Thumper or Thump-her?

When my daughter was only 10 days old, I developed a rare disorder called Guillain-Barre Syndrome (GBS).  Essentially, your own immune system starts attacking your nervous system, usually in response to an infection (no one knows which infection it was reacting too; I’d managed to have a sinus infection during my birth and I picked up pink eye on the way home from the hospital.  Oh, and I managed to catch a violent stomach bug in the Emergency Room at my local hospital before they sent me to Johns Hopkins.  Lucky me, huh?  Like giving birth and caring for a newborn isn’t exhausting enough!)  The symptoms were stroke-like and therefore terrifying, but the doctors at Johns Hopkins had me diagnosed, treated, and home again in less than a week.  (Hooray for living 20 minutes away from Baltimore!)  Amazingly, one of our neighbors said to my husband, “The reason your wife got sick is because she was out and about too soon after the birth.”  More amazingly, my husband didn’t punch her in the face for saying something so callous and rude after the most harrowing week of his life.  Not only did he catch the violent stomach bug too, but he thought his wife was going to die, leaving him a single parent of a two week old baby that he barely knew what to do with.  What she said was just mean!  Let me point out that not one of the doctors at Johns Hopkins mentioned “being out of the house with a newborn” as a potential risk factor associated with GBS.

So how do we deal with these mean mommy comments?  How do we ignore the crazy things people say, without getting angry?  I’m not an expert, but here are a few things that help me get through.

1. Give them the benefit of the doubt (or “the BOD,” as I like to call it.)  Maybe their parents/doctors/internet told them something contrary to what you were taught.  My neighbor grew up in a different generation, and when her kids were born she probably sequestered herself until they were sleeping through the night.  She can’t understand why I wouldn’t do the same. 
2. Educate them, as kindly as you can.  Keeping the moral high ground can be very satisfying when someone is particularly nasty.  For example, I could have said, “My doctor says it’s completely safe for us to be out of the house, and the illness is unrelated.  It was probably in response to one of several infections I was fighting at the time.”  Sometimes, I like to over-explain and make them sorry they made the comment in the first place.  Had I been there when my neighbor made the comment to my husband, I probably would have gone into detail about how GBS occurs, what my symptoms were, what the doctors had to do to diagnose it, how the food was in the hospital, and so on.  This can be especially effective with people you see on a regular basis.  You establish yourself as an expert, and make them try to avoid engaging you in such discussions in the future.
3. Smile and nod.  Every time I hear, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” I imagine Thumper in “Bambi” reciting this sage advice from his father.  Thumper’s dad was right.  Sometimes, you just make things worse by saying anything.  My husband looked at our neighbor like she had 3 heads, but he kept his mouth shut because he knew that if he started to say something, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from completely alienating her.
4. Be a total jerk right back to them.  Hey, it’s petty and childish, but sometimes it feels really good.  I’m not proud of it, but I’m sure God will forgive me if I slip every so often…

It takes a village...

The moment it becomes apparent that a woman is pregnant her body is suddenly transformed into public property.  Precious new life is growing inside of her, and people have an uncontrollable urge to help that child and its mother.  While this sounds nice, the “help” is frequently offered in the form of unsolicited advice and criticism of the mother’s choices.  Everyone has opinions about what she should be doing, what kind of birth she should have, and what she should do for her baby when it arrives. While the saying, "It takes a village to raise a child" implies that a child is impacted by a great many people besides his or her parents, loving support goes a lot farther than criticism and judgment.  In my experience, society at large does not seem to share my viewpoint.

My husband and I had only been trying for a few months, and while we were impatient to start our family, we didn’t want to get our hopes up when I came out of the bathroom carrying the most recent pregnancy test.  We started the timer and sat down on the couch, trying to avoid staring at the little stick, willing it to be positive.  Finally, the time was up, and we gently lifted the test and looked at the results.  A million thoughts and feelings coursed through me as I looked at that little window and saw not one, but two little pink lines.  “Oh my god,” I said, “It’s positive!  We’re going to have a baby!”  I went through what a lot of women go through in this moment: I was simultaneously the happiest and most terrified person in the world.  “This is amazing!  I can’t wait to be a mom!” I screamed internally, trying to drown out the shouts of “What if I’m the worst mom ever?  Am I really ready?  Are we really ready?”

Many hugs and tears later, after the initial shock wore off, we started making phone calls.  I called my midwife’s office, to set up our first prenatal visit.  We took turns calling my parents, my husband’s parents, and two of our best friends.  We went out for a celebratory breakfast (“Well,” I said, “I guess this explains why I’ve been so ridiculously hungry this week.”)  The fear was still there in the back of my mind, but the joy was much louder, and I couldn’t wait to go to work and share the great news with my boss (and request a day off for my appointment with the midwife.)

At first, I was excited to share the decisions I was making: I was going to have a midwife deliver my baby as naturally as possible, I was going to breastfeed, I was going to use cloth diapers, and I was going to use a co-sleeper so that my baby would be right next to me for late night feedings.  I quickly became discouraged when I realized that some people thought that my decisions were silly, or worse, dangerous.  “You have to get one of those c-sections,” one of my husband’s friends told me, as he spoke fondly of his son’s birth.  When I tried to explain that I wanted a natural birth with a midwife, he exclaimed “Why would you want to do that?!” and then went on to share a story he had seen on the news about a midwife who had been reckless and caused the death of a baby.  “They sued her and she went to jail,” he said, implying that all midwives are incompetent and that we were endangering the life of our child by trusting one.  What he did not understand is that while there are bad apples in every profession, having a trained midwife attend your birth is very safe.  Natural childbirth can also allow a mother more time to bond with her child, and gives her more control over the birth itself.  Not to mention, any doctor will tell you that a vaginal birth has a lot fewer risks than a cesarean birth, and that major surgery such as this is not something to take lightly.  There are, of course, instances where a c-section is the safest option, and that is why they are available.  I wasn’t going to run out and “get one of those c-sections” unless it was medically necessary.  He was not interested in hearing about our research on the subject, assuming that because he had a child, he knew better than we did.  We walked away from the conversation feeling angry and frustrated, and not at all appreciative of his so-called advice.

Well-intentioned coworkers and customers, specifically the veteran mommies, pelted me with a variety of comments that I found only slightly more helpful.  “You should stop drinking coffee right now.  Otherwise, your baby will be hyper.” “You shouldn’t be climbing that ladder.”  “Your cloth diapering won’t last 3 weeks.  You’ll go to disposables.”  “Your mom cloth diapered?  Did you always have diaper-rash?"  Here I was, simultaneously blissful and frightened, and everything that I said or did was being challenged.  As if pregnancy isn't taxing enough, we have to withstand constant, and often conflicting, criticism and advice.  Do I think that any of these people intended to make my life harder?  No.  Do I think they could have shared the same ideas in a much more constructive way?  Absolutely.  How about, “What does your midwife say about caffeine consumption?” “Do you feel comfortable climbing that ladder?  If you start to feel unsteady, don’t feel obligated to get the higher items, just ask me for some help.” “I’ve never used cloth diapers. How does that work?”  See the difference?  Instead of telling me everything I was doing wrong, they could have asked why I thought my decisions were the best for me and my family.  They might have learned something, and I might have felt supported instead of bombarded.

Ultimately, what we parents need here is respectful, supportive information-sharing.  We don’t all need to make the same decisions in birthing or raising our children.  What we need is love, support, and open communication.  (Sounds like the recipe for a good marriage, doesn’t it?  That’s not a coincidence!)  Let’s face it, we’re not getting enough sleep, so we’re a little more sensitive than usual.

Just getting started...Disclaimers, Dedications, and Warnings

This blog is dedicated to all the mommies out there who have ever received or given well-intentioned advice and criticisms.  My words are not intended to offend, and I hope that all of my mommy friends who read this will take it as a compliment when I use them as examples, for better or for worse.  We are all guilty of passing judgement on other mommies, and I hope this blog allows you all to examine your own comments and actions for their meanness.  Hopefully, my writing will help us all learn to be warm and supportive, not just of our own children, but of the other mommies in our community as well.  Be warned: I will make every effort to be kind and objective, but I am not immune to the occasional urge to bluntly discredit someone else's advice.  My intention is to grow and learn some amount of restraint when it comes to commenting on other people's decisions.  Thanks for reading!