A few years ago I attended a family-friendly party where a new mom had brought her 2-week old son, and was trying to get him to nap in one of the bedrooms. I could hear the little guy wailing from the living room, and a glance at mom told me she was fighting every instinct she had to run in, pick him up, and snuggle him. She turned to me with an apologetic, pained expression and said, “Everyone keeps telling me I need to let him cry. He’ll never learn to self-soothe if I don’t let him cry.” I didn’t get it at all, but I gave her what I hoped was an encouraging look, and walked away. I had no idea what a hot topic this was! People are adamantly for or adamantly against “crying it out.” This is like the “politics and religion” subject of mommyhood. Seriously, you can’t have a discussion with someone of the opposite viewpoint without offending the other person! Here’s an example.
Mommy 1 (whining): My daughter just won’t get on a sleep schedule.
Mommy 2 (patronizing): Do you have a bedtime routine? We give my daughter a bath, read her a book, and then put her in the crib. She might cry for 10 minutes, but she goes to sleep and stays asleep for the rest of the night.
Mommy 1: You let her cry for that long? That’s cruel and uncaring!
Mommy 2: What’s cruel is holding your child every night until they fall asleep so that they always depend on you. How is she supposed to learn how go to sleep when you’re not there?
Mommy 1: Your child will grow up detached and angry because you’re a bad parent.
Mommy 2: Your child will grow up dependent and overly sensitive because you’re a bad parent.
I may have dramatized that a little bit, but I have witnessed similar conversations and I swear that if you read between the lines, this is exactly what they were saying. Parents get so self-assured that what they’re doing is better than what everyone else is doing. I was actually offended at a La Leche meeting once, and never went back, because one of the women spoke disdainfully about crying it out, making it sound like Satan himself concocted this scheme for cruelty towards babies. She made it sound so awful that I was embarrassed to mention my own practices of letting my daughter cry for 10 minutes before I go in to check on her. Simultaneously, I judged her for coddling her children too much. “Plus,” I thought, “how do these people take care of their children if they never take care of themselves? Don’t you need to be somewhat sane to be able to bring up sane children?”
As with many things, moderation seems to be the healthiest option. In fact, if you look at the AAP website, www.aap.org, they recommend a nice compromise between the two sides of the argument, saying that you should put baby to sleep when drowsy but still awake, and then wait a few minutes to respond to fussing…to give the baby a chance to settle down on their own. I’m not a representative of the AAP, but it seems to me that they are agreeing with both sides to a degree. They’re saying, be warm and compassionate toward your child, but also give them some space. That sounds decent, doesn’t it? So how do we show respect for both sides of the fence, while making the best choice for our family?
Personally, sleep is a really sensitive subject for me. What’s funny is that I used to sleep like a hibernating bear (I even slept through a fire alarm once or twice) but during pregnancy, I could barely sleep a few hours at a time. I understand getting up to pee in the middle of the night when you have a watermelon growing on your abdomen, but I would literally wake up for no reason and stare at the clock for hours, waiting to fall back asleep. Isn’t it a cruel trick of nature that leading up to the most sleep-deprived several months of your life you get…no sleep? Guess what makes it worse? The mean mommies that tell you, in a patronizing voice, “It’s good practice. Soon you won’t be getting ANY sleep…hahahaha!” I can’t tell you how many individuals are lucky that I don’t condone violence, because I really wanted to punch them in their laughing mouths for saying something so useless. Did I mention that I am also bear-like when sleep deprived? Or when I’m woken up in the morning? Just ask my husband.
My point is, sleep is very important, for every member of the family. Do what you feel is right for your child, but don’t tell others that their instincts are wrong, just because they differ from yours. (I still think about that mommy at the party, and I wonder if she ever made a decision for herself as to how long was too long to let her baby cry.) If you see someone struggling and you want to help, ask them what they’re doing to help their child sleep. Get some perspective on what their beliefs are and where their challenges are. Then ask if you could offer a piece of advice. Offer it respectfully, without making any judgments on their beliefs, and ask them how they feel about what you've suggested. Look at it this way: if you were Jewish, would you ever go up to a Christian and tell them to stop believing in Jesus? Not unless you wanted to start a really unpleasant argument… But if you walked up to that same Christian and asked them what they believed about God, you could probably have a pretty cool conversation. Give peace a chance, mommies...
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